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Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Teenage Bitcoin Millionaire


I’m Erik Finman, and I’m one of the youngest Bitcoin millionaires in the world. I was able to amass about 400-plus Bitcoins. So, I was 18 years old when I made my first million dollars. It felt pretty great. Did — Toured some Lamborghinis. There’s a dealership in Newport Beach that takes Bitcoin for Lamborghinis.

Never take financial advice from someone who points their G-D Cap’n Crunch at you. If you work for a living, prepare to be enraged. That cocky crypto maniac is Erik, and if I had to guess what a teenage Bitcoin millionaire would look and act like, he’d be it.

Thanks to his timely Bitcoin investment, he now owns one million of them. Or like 10. I’m not sure how it converts. I know he’s so rich, he can afford to rent a modest apartment in Manhattan. Bitcoin was invented in 2009 so creeps could anonymously buy child porn and guns.

And from those noble origins, a financial revolution was born. What is Bitcoin? It’s a digital currency with no centralized bank that uses blockchain technology, and — Oh my god, shoot me in the face. Until I can throw it on a stripper, I’ll pass.

Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer Beanie Babies. Not to be braggadocious, but I’m currently sitting on a mint condition Patti the Platypus, tags on! They say Bitcoin is the currency of the future, but Dippin’ Dots was supposed to be the ice cream of the future, and it tastes like Queen Elsa’s asshole. I know a white, 19-year-old millionaire is the easiest person in the world to hate. But since Erik’s got so much invisible money, he can afford to fly himself to Hollywood, where everyone lies about their wealth, for this week’s CeWEBrity Profile.

Erik. Thanks for coming to my Bitcoin mine. I’m new to this whole cryptocurrency world, but as far as I understand it, with enough computers, you can really strike it rich. Yeah, quite the operation you have here. As soon as we dig up these Bitcoins, I should be the first hypothetical zillionaire. That’s not how any of this works.

We is not found shit. Shut up, old miner! I’m not paying you in moonshine to run your toothless mouth. Why don’t you head on deeper into the mine? I think those machines are hot down there. Erik. Daniel. First question — Those glasses are unique. Are a lot of people wearing those now? Just me. I’m unique. Where’d you get those? I got them in London. You’re an international traveller? International traveller.

How old are you? 19. How many countries have you been to? Too many to count. For what reasons? I don’t know. Business, travel, you know, the life of a Bitcoin millionaire. Where do you live? New York. New York City? Yep. No, Buffalo. Okay. I’m just kidding. New York City. Don’t shit on Buffalo.

Buffalo’s horrible. Are you renting, or did you buy an apartment? I’m just renting. Is this the one that I saw you in this video? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What’s up with that bed, that’s, like, in the middle of the room behind another bed? It looks like a Japanese hotel or something. Yeah, there are three beds. And it’s just — It curtains off? Yeah, yeah, pretty much. I mean — What do you use that bed for?

Maybe to mine, you know? Oh, you’re enjoying life, huh? I know. That’s why I have three beds. Ugh. When did you get in on Bitcoin? It was about $12 a coin in 2011. And how many coins did you buy that day? I bought over 100 coins. Whew. And I have even more now. You have more than 100 coins now? Way more. Okay, so that’s — 100 Bitcoins at $12 apiece. That’s something like thousands of dollars. It’s, like, about $1,200. Okay, okay, well, I can’t do that math.

How did you have $1,200 as a 12-year-old? So, my grandmother — She gave me a little over $1,000 for my scholarship fund, and I didn’t put it towards my scholarship, so you blew it all on one thing? I blew it all on Bitcoin. And I spent, like, every day trying to get more after that. Do you have a thumb drive on you that has it all? If I had a thumb drive on me, I’d just get shot and murdered so fast. Have there ever been, like, threats out on your life? Oh, for sure. For sure.

Do you take them seriously or report them or anything? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to be very careful. I have, like, security, and I’m super-secure digitally. It’s you know, you have to be. I don’t do any of it. Yeah? I sleep with my door open at night. I have no security. Mm-hmm. I want all of this on camera. My mom was heavily invested in bullion. Turns out it was broth, not gold.

Her portfolio was very diverse in chicken and beef stock. Miner: Get back to work, you old whack-a-doo. Explain to me, uh, as if I were your grandmother, what cryptocurrency is. Cryptocurrency is just like any other currency. At the technology level, it allows it so it can run self-sufficiently on its own. How often do they introduce more coins into circulation?

There are these things called Bitcoin miners. Let’s say Facebook didn’t want to have servers, and then they paid you to run part of Facebook on your laptop. That’s what Bitcoin does. So, these people get paid for dedicating their computer space to running the Bitcoin network. Mm. So, people have these entire server farms. Hence, what I’m trying to get into. Do you have any inside info– like, people have to be cheating this.

Nobody’s regulating. I mean — Do you know when a dip coming? I’m completely innocent. I’m completely innocent. But, yeah, definitely, a lot of other people do that. Oh! That is great. This is the Wild West. Nothing like a little Wall Street corruption, you know?

When is this thing going to collapse and be worth nothing? Nothing? And you’re going to go back to just a regular, smelly teenager? Never. Never. I think cryptocurrency’s absolutely here to stay forever. When is the dollar going to collapse, and you’re going to lose all your money? Soon.

No, I’m invested overseas. Okay, there you go. Don’t get ahead of yourself, kid. If Bitcoin went to zero right now, would you still be a millionaire? No, but I’d still be okay. You’d be okay. I’d be okay. I’d be all right. It’d be a hit. Yeah, I mean, if all your real-estate properties were burnt down, I mean, that would — that would also kind of suck.

It’s more about the land. I’ll rebuild. Yeah. Do you think it’ll ever get back up to $20,000? I think Bitcoin will go up past $20,000, for sure. What about SnakeEyes? Do you think SnakeEyes will ever get up to $20,000? SnakeEyes? Is that a coin?

What do you think about a Daniel Tosh coin? A Tosh.0 coin? Do you think that would work? Tosh.0 coin? Tosh. Coin? Someone came up to me with that idea, that worked here maybe eight or seven years ago, the whole thing, and I completely ignored it. Yeah? Did I make a huge mistake? Did you want to be a billionaire? I mean.

Yeah? Then you made a huge mistake. I did, huh? Yeah. That’s kind of cool. Do you have any other get-rich-quick schemes? So, I’ve got a great multi-level-marketing plan. I think you’ll really like it. I would love it. Yeah. What if I would get six or seven people underneath me? Would I make money? There you go. Does your fake girlfriend just love you for your fake money? Probably.

What is your backup plan that we all agree you will definitely need? For Bitcoin? Yes. Yeah, um, I mean, no. I mean, I start businesses. I sold my company to Bitcoin. So, like I’m pretty You know. Did you go to college? No, no. I dropped out of high school. When did you drop out? I was, like, 14, 15. As soon as I dropped out, I moved to Silicon Valley. What kind of parents are these? Amazing parents. I texted them, tracked my phone, all that.

Right, but — but I wasn’t allowed to spend the night at other people’s houses ’cause my dad’s like, “What’s wrong with you? Why you want to sleep with another kid?” And I’m like, “Oh, I-I-I’m sorry.” And then I just went to my room. Did you apply to any colleges? No, I dropped — I didn’t even get my GED. I hear from you. You should get your GED. Mm-hmm? Yeah? It’s also very funny to be a millionaire and have a GED. Is it? I think so.

Read More: Bitcoin: Buy The Bitcoin Dip NOW!!!

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